Rejection Relapse

Pontificating parts of the following make me sick

Strange, stagnate blood pumps into skull

The feeling in nauseating, debilitating, other complicated

intricate, polysyllabic words meaning;

"I hate myself"

Hate the way I ended the communication. 

The reason of which related to emotional procrastination.

My inflated sense of self masking the pain of you and me

Had been the man I am now I would have seen, handled the problem

solved the issue, maybe then I would not miss you.

That's the theory, at least.

Make not mistake, you're a beauty, but I will not label myself the beast.

In the extravagant drama

our relationship consisted of dueling

You struggling, finding yourself, pieces of the past weighting on you.

I tried to clean them up and make you see

If you'd have let me

Given me some time

Not seen yourself as the older, bolder, ship controller

I'd have gotten down on one knee, 

Proposed the ever after, we'd live in laughter

Two kids against the world, I black Lion and his Coco-brow, curly sheen

Fertility Goddess, I'd have treated you like a queen.

In stead I let life make me your whipping boy

For a half year I felt l the toy

You took into your hands and a made less of a man

Carried the anger deep, never let the whole venom seep

and spill out, the cancer grew malignant.

I grew ignorant.

threw us to the dirt and left

Though it was the for the best, 

for me

Disregarding the damage to the woman I would have walked down

the road to marriage, next to on the beach, down the road

with a carriage, baby in the front seat

When the far flung fiction future hit me

I could have hit delete

Taken two dozen pills, gallons of alcohol, a silver bullet and gun

Drive my car into the river, drown in the old Buick, and I'd have been 

Contient?

Maybe.

But the dead man walking, the sad kid talking to himself in his sleep

He's gone, washed ashore in the back of mind. The man I now will do

But I'll grown and change, something new reborn free from flaws

Pause.

Breath.

Rest.